The Whole Story

For most of my adult life, I've wanted someone or something to tell me: Here. Take this (paintbrush/tarot deck/word document/job description). This is what you were made to do. This is your purpose. It's what you're good at, and coincidentally it's something that you love to do. Do this thing and you will not only be satisfied, but you will find the means to survive outside of the boundaries of corporations, capitalism, and the absurd societal constructs that uphold them.

This desire has kept me mainly in a space of agony. I'm in my mid 30s now, and I've finally started pushing back against that persistent voice that tells me that someone or something out there will answer my question if I just ask often enough, nicely enough, and at just the right time. And yet, I'd be a lying liar if I said I wasn't hoping that being interviewed by my partner about my creative journey might illuminate the elusive road signs of life that haven't, as yet, been lit up for me.

Historically, talking to another person about where I've been and where I am has opened up valuable insights for me, so yes - the hope was bubbling up.

Did a dotted-line appear in front of me, undoubtedly there to lead me to a -thing- that I can do, and love, and prosper from?

Of fucking course not.

But did I get my insights?

Yes. I got to step outside of my own story, one that I have long thought was boring and uninteresting, to see that though it may not be objectively exciting....it's still my story. And there are clues scattered throughout that can help me to keep banishing the idea that a firm "answer" to my existential questions is out there somewhere.

And if the feedback from my partner's podcast subscribers has been any indication, my story is a mirror for others. I'm not the only person to flit from calling to calling. Kind of like Link in the Lost Woods, looking for the next bright lamp, or the tunnel where the music is just a bit louder than any of the others...I'm wandering. With purpose. But also knowing that I'll likely never get out of these woods. There is no "outside" the wandering. Only a new and precious spot to settle in with what makes me happy until something calls me through to another clearing.

So, for my fellow wanderers, fools, lost adventurers, Geminis (iykyk), serial hobbyists, and multi-media artists, I offer to you this story.

The interview is locked behind a paywall on my partner's podcast Feckless (available to Talk Tull to Me patreon subscribers), but he was kind enough to let me share the whole thing here, with you. So if you'd like to throw the wonderful momes of the Feckless Momes audio network a few bucks to get access, that's awesome, but if you can't, or would rather not, you can listen to the whole thing right here.

And lastly, if you take the advice I give at the very end to heart...let me know.